The barely-adult woman looked revolted. I (Ellie) had just told her I help people bring love into their sex lives. “Who wants that Love stuff? Just give me the sex!” She spat.

What are your beliefs about love?

When I was growing up, mine were negative, much like hers. Things like:

- “If someone loves me, they depend on me and I have to take care of them”. – Or “I owe a debt to them, and will over-compromise or even sacrifice”. – Or “I’ll lose them soon anyway, so it’s safer not to love”.

Now I have my own reaction to those old beliefs: Ewwww – Yuck!!

No wonder I shunned love.

Trouble is, I was confusing love with need.

Love feels nurturing, need feels threatening.

The experience of love feels wonderful: you feel compassionate yet powerful, and sensitive but wise.

On the other hand, need is what Buddha termed the “root of all suffering”. It feels scary, like you’re vulnerable to random mishaps, being suffocated or suffocating, and out of control.

It would be patronizing to recommend that you drop all your needs, and act only from love. We all have years of conditioning in the way, and resisting those needs will only make them stronger (believe me … I learned this from painful experience). Switching gears from need to love takes time, and it asks you to be gentle with yourself.

The key is to accept, rather than resist or deny, your needs.

When you accept your needs, it becomes easy to love yourself as you are.
You no longer try to change yourself for someone else. And when you love yourself completely, you are no longer dependent on your partner for their love. You can stop over-compromising, taking care of them, or holding back on loving them fully so you don’t get hurt.

It takes the pressure off of you, and your relationship.

Keep an eye out for future editions of Wiggle Words – we’ll be talking lots about how to create the experience of inner love.

P.S. One of my favourite coaching areas is supporting you in loving yourself completely, much more quickly than is possible on your own. If this is something you want for yourself, please get in touch with me. It’s not worth putting this off.

Terrilynn creates large scale artwork, using photographs that she takes of women’s bodies, including their vulvas. It is a means for women to display, appreciate and be proud of our womanhood and our sexuality.

Here’s a question: do art exhibits like Terrilynn’s change how we view women’s sexuality? And does posing for this exhibit change how the participants view their sexuality?

In my classes and coaching, I’m noticing an incredibly common theme: women are wanting something more. Most haven’t been able to articulate what it is: many say they enjoy sex and love their partner, but there’s an elusive component that they want, and can’t describe.

I know what they’re getting at: it’s that sense of being deeply connected to yourself; of feeling joy and ease, no matter what the circumstances, of feeling so “at home” that you relax completely.

Most of our sexual role models have been either men, or women who like to have sex the way men do. The focus has been on raw sexual energy, intense sensation, and achieving orgasm. And these things are all good – DON’T think I’m saying they’re not. But there’s something else, which matters a lot, that has been lost. A sense of nurturing, of connection, of tenderness.

I’m starting this blog as a tool to look at what will create sex that’s extremely fulfilling for women. And, along the way, we’ll talk about what makes it more fulfilling for men too (they’re sooo connected.) I’d love it if you participate – I want to hear your questions, and what you’ve been learning about this area.

Warmly,
Ellie